Sunday, March 27, 2011

Life Goes On

I had a post about the outfit I wore to a concert last night planned in my head, but I have bigger things on my mind right now, so talking about my outfit just seems silly. On Friday night, Fella and I went out separately. I went to dinner and bowling downtown with some girlfriends, and he went to watch the NCAA tournament at a bar with some of the guys. I was headed home from downtown at 11:30, and I waffled over meeting up with Fella and the guys. I ended up just going home because I was pretty tired, but told Fella to stay out if he wanted to. He called me at 2am to tell me he was walking home and that he loved me, and he’d see me soon. I fell back to sleep, and woke up about 45 minutes later to Jude barking and our doorbell ringing non-stop. I was wary of answering the door that late while home alone, but I did anyway, only to open the door on a crying Fella. He was missing his hat, and his jacket, a Christmas gift, was torn. He had blood on his forehead, the bridge of his nose and his lip, and dried blood in his beard. He looked so defeated when he told me he had been mugged. I pulled him inside, locked and deadbolted the door, and called the police. A report was filed, we cancelled all of his credit cards and spent all day Saturday rebuilding everything he had lost. It’s only been 24 hours, but Fella is doing better. We didn’t let what happened spoil our plans for this evening (aforementioned concert), because this senseless act had already taken enough. But despite that, I just can’t get the image of Fella at the door out of my head. In our nearly 4 years together, we’ve weathered a lot, but something about this is just so disturbing to me. I’ve seen him look sad, frustrated, defeated and vulnerable before. But seeing the person that I love the most look violated just broke my heart.

Over the years, I’ve discovered that I’m really great in a crisis. My first response last night was to make a list of all of the things we’d need to do and replace, and everyone we’d need to call. The mugger stole his wallet, phone and keys and sadly, the watch I bought him for his 30th birthday. Today we replaced the locks to all of the exterior doors on our building and had the car keys replaced and reprogrammed (rendering the stolen key useless). His phone has been deactivated, and all of his passwords have been changed. I made up a to-do list for him on Monday, so he would remember everything else that needs to be done. Once we accomplished everything on today’s list, it all finally hit me like a freight train. I imagined all of the horrible ways last night could’ve ended. Fella is fine, and only a little worse for the wear, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d do if it had been worse. It could’ve been so much worse. He was in awful shape last year because of a chronic illness, and even being put in charge of his health care decisions if he wasn’t able to make them and knowing all of the risks he faced then didn’t rattle me as much as this. I think it’s because I wasn’t there. I feel so guilty for not coming out last night. I know what happened isn’t my fault, but I could’ve prevented it. If I had been with him, maybe he wouldn’t have been such an easy target. I would have insisted we take a cab instead of walking. Or maybe I could have used all of my self-defense training to get us out of the situation unscathed. That’s probably unrealistic, but we’ll never know. Why did I let him walk home when he called me? I could have gone and picked him up. Except that he and I walk home late at night all the time. We live in a relatively safe area, and hang out in similarly safe parts of town. But of course, no place is 100% safe. And now we know.

When all was said and done, all the thief really got away with was about $10 in cash, $25 in charges before the credit cards were cancelled, Fella’s old scratched up phone that was due to be replaced, and a watch. I doubt the police will be able to find him, as Fella couldn’t remember much about what he looked like, but if they do, was it worth it?

I wrote this last night before I finally went to bed. I'm happy to report that Fella and I are feeling a little better this morning. The sun is shining, it’s a new day and life goes on. I’m off to my knitting class in a few minutes, and we have our regularly scheduled Sunday dinner date with Fella’s family tonight. And I’m sure, eventually, we’ll both feel better.

35 comments:

  1. That feeling of violation is absolutely horrible. I'm glad that he made it home okay and that the damages have been minimized.

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  2. Oh man, that sucks. Don't spend too much energy thinking that there's something you should have/could have done differently -- how could you possibly know a walk home that's normally pretty safe would turn bad that night of all nights? Best wishes to Fella, he'll probably be rattled for a while and with good reason.

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  3. I'm sorry that Fella had to deal with that. It sounds like you handled the situation really well.

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  4. Oh, that's awful to hear! I'm glad Fella made it home in one piece. Going for dinner sounds like a good plan - it's good to be around people you like when you've been thrown for a loop.

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  5. Oh that's just awful! I'm glad that Fella made it home. Sending good vibes to you both.

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  6. Anne, I am so sorry about what happened to Fella (and you) this weekend. There is no explanation for this that makes sense, and the one thing I can think is that you guys are luck to have each other. Big hugs to both you.

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  7. Though I am so sorry to hear about what happened, I am so glad that you both are now doing fine. Lots of hugs and rainbow thoughts!

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  8. I'm so sorry that this happened. I'm glad Fella made it home and that material damages were limited. Please don't spend time thinking what you could have done differently to prevent this. Best wishes for a recovery to you both.

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  9. That is so scary; thank goodness he's okay.
    Having had similar experiences, it's not the loss of the stuff, it's the violation and shattering of you sense of safety and rightness that's the worst part. He's lucky to have you to support him.

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  10. Oh, Anne, how scary for both of you.
    Don't blame yourself; it wasn't your fault and you likely couldn't have prevented it. It was just a case of wrong place, wrong time.

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  11. I am so glad that he is safe...and that you rose to the occasion. I once lived in midtown KC and thought nothing of walking a mile back and forth at night, though my parents were often fraught with worry.

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  12. I can relate, Terri. I used to live in a less savory part of Chicago (it was known as "up and coming" when I moved in 7 years ago, and it did finally get better within the last couple of years) and never thought anything of it either. I know I live in a big city and that the world can be a scary place, but I still thought that people were good and things like that couldn't happen to me.

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  13. Oddly enough, it seems to be rattling me more than him. Or at least more than he's letting on. I think once we get back to work and routine and all of that tomorrow, I'll feel better.

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  14. Thanks, LHdM! Thankfully a cab driver saw him and gave him a free ride home. Otherwise it would've been a 2 or so mile walk.

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  15. Yep, it definitely helped to be around his family tonight.

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  16. Right, it doesn't make sense, which is probably what made it so hard to grapple with. We're both doing a lot better. You know Fella, he's laughing about it now.

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  17. Yep, that's definitely the worst part - very well put, Ericka.

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  18. I still feel like I could have prevented it, but I'm moving on anyway. I mean, the bottom line is that he's fine and getting back everything he lost, which is really all that matters.

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  19. Heh, rainbow thoughts - that helps :)

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  20. oh my Love,
    The most important thing is he and you are all right>
    Things can happen so quickly and love heals all.
    Hugs,
    Reva

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  21. Oh I'm so so sorry. But I'm so glad you knew what to do. I'm not sure I would have.

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  22. Oh, awfulness. I'm sorry that happened, glad he's okay, and quite certain that you're amazing. Take care of each other, you two.

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  23. Anne, I'm so sorry that this happened to both of you. I'm glad you were so resourceful, but if you continue to feel unsafe or find yourself thinking every stranger in your neighborhood might have committed the crime or could commit a crime against you, don't hesitate to find a therapist to talk about it with. Other friends of mine that had such things happened to them held on to fear etc. for too long after the initial incident.

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  24. Holy crap, Anne. That's so awful. I'm so sorry.

    And you ARE wonderful in a crisis. Well done. I hope you both continue to recover from this terrible experience.

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  25. Jeez Anne. I'm so sorry this happened to you both. All my best to you and the Fella. Thinking of you.

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  26. Thanks Jonneke! We're both doing a lot better. I'm sorry you weren't able to travel here this weekend, it would've been lovely to have seen you. I hope you're doing alright.

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  27. Thanks A-Dubs. I'm doing alright, and Fella's getting better each day.

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  28. That's great advice, SFE! I did have a talk with Fella the other night to gauge how he's doing. He is still a bit traumatized, but wants to give it a little time. He was open to the idea of talking to someone about it though, should all the thoughts persist for too long.

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  29. Thank you so much for the kind words, Reva.

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  30. Fortunately making lists is my strong suit, but I don't know how I would've handled it had it been me.

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  31. I am so sorry that this happened. How AWFUL. I hope that he can find peace and comfort despite such a scary violation. Stuff like this has the potential to really rock one's sense of humanity.

    Thank goodness you stay calm in a crisis. What a wonderful sense of comfort it must have brought to your Fella! You are lucky to have each other and I wish you both serenity in the coming weeks as you emotionally and financially recover. xo

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  32. Thank you for your kind words! He's slowly recovering, but it will definitely take time.

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