When Your Weight Sneaks Up On You

I’m wearing a repeat outfit today, so I’m sharing something personal instead of an outfit post. I’ve talked about my weight here before, but I’m really going to get into it today. I started writing on the train this morning, and just kept going. You can read it all or not, but it’s good for me to get it out there. I finally unpacked our scale this week, and was a little shocked to discover that I’m at my absolute highest weight ever. I knew things had gotten bad, but I’m about 15 pounds higher than I was the last time I thought my weight problems had hit rock bottom. Clearly, this isn’t my first struggle with weight, and I’m starting to think it won’t be my last.

I was a chubby kid from about the time I turned 10, but it was never a real issue until I finished college. During my last semester and after graduating, I was living in Michigan, bored and depressed, and decided to join Weight Watchers on New Year’s Eve, 2003 on a whim. I was having a hard time finding a job and was in a bad relationship, so I devoted all of my energy to weight loss so that I’d have something else to focus on. I lost 60 pounds in about 5 months and reached my goal weight just in time for my 23rd birthday in May of 2004. Although Weight Watchers worked for me and was pretty easy (ah, to be 22 again!), I swore that I’d never make myself go through that again. The weight was off for good.

At my goal weight, June 2004

Two weeks later, I moved to Chicago. I gained a little weight upon moving here, mainly because my office used to have free food around the clock, 7 days a week. I was working crazy hours and didn’t have a lot of money, so I took advantage of said free food. But even eating lots of junky cafeteria food, snacking and having ice cream every day (seriously, they spoiled us back in those days), I only gained about 15 pounds back. I was doing WW on and off a lot for a while, so my weight managed to stay pretty much under control.  By mid-2007, right around the time I met Fella, I had put a total of 40 pounds back on.

August 2007, leaving my office

I was still happy with the way I looked so I didn't do anything about it until early 2008, when I had gotten back to my original weight, and when Fella encouraged me to join his gym and exercise with him. A gym? I had used the Recreation Center in college, but hadn’t really exercised since. But I got into it and, once again, dedicated myself to weight loss. I lost about 40 pounds with exercise and Weight Watchers by the end of 2008.  I kept that off for about 6 months.

Fella and I totally not looking at the camera in Colorado, 2009

I think I would’ve been okay at this point if life hadn’t taken a really unexpected turn. Fella started getting sick a lot in early 2009. Toward the middle of that year he was finally diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, but the stress of it all – him being sick all the time and, for a while, not knowing what was wrong with him – totally knocked me off the wagon. He’d get sick suddenly, and he couldn’t eat when he was sick. I’d often have cooked dinner for the 2 of us and rather than just save the leftovers, I’d split his meals with Jude. Meanwhile Fella had been on medicine for his condition, but he kept getting worse. I stepped in, found him a new doctor since his old one seemed unconcerned, and she recommended we meet with a surgeon right away. In the end, Fella ended up having 2 major surgeries in early 2010. He needed a lot of care, so my boss let me work from home for about 3 months last year to take care of him. Fella had lost so much weight from being sick that he needed to be fattened up. I could’ve joined him in loading up on fats, but instead I constantly cooked 2 meals: one light meal for me, one not so light one for Fella. A new gym opened up around the corner from us at about that time, so I decided to join so I’d be able to get out of the house a little bit each day. Throughout 2010 I got into a really good exercise routine, and I started losing weight and slimming down again. I was still about 20 pounds overweight toward the end of the year, but I was so happy with the way I looked then.

November, 2010

I kept the routine up in the beginning of 2011, but once we started the process of buying a condo and moving, I no longer had time to go to the gym (which is ridiculous looking back – I didn’t have an hour? Really?). On top of that, we were so busy, we were eating out a lot because there just wasn’t time to cook, and frankly, I didn’t have the energy for it. I guess that’s how the weight all came back. And then some. I know waiting 2 months to even unpack the scale was a mistake, but I guess I didn’t want to know. I can’t even remember the last time I weighed myself before this week. I was weighed a couple times at doctors’ appointments this spring/summer, but I just assumed their scales were off. But how could I have missed this? I take my picture everyday for goodness sake, and none of my pants fit me right now. I guess I was in denial, or didn’t think it was so bad.

This isn’t a self-esteem thing. I love myself and know I’m awesome at any size. But I do know I could look a little better. In addition to appearance, I need to keep my weight under control for health reasons. My mom and her sister are both diabetic, my maternal grandfather died of a heart attack in his mid-40’s, my mom has high blood pressure, and my dad had an angioplasty at the age of 50. There seem to be a lot of conditions I have a predisposition for, and the risks get higher if you’re overweight. I do get my numbers checked every year, and so far they’ve been good, but I want to keep them that way.

I know I can lose weight because I’ve done it so many times before, but I still need to figure out how to maintain it. I mean, why do I keep doing this to myself? Why put myself through all the trouble just to gain the weight all back? I’m trying things a little differently this time. Rather than rejoin Weight Watchers for, I don’t know, like the tenth time, I joined a site called Spark People. There, I can track what I’m eating and how much exercise I’m getting, but without those pesky membership fees. It offers many of the same features I found on WW, but rather than tracking points, you’re watching calories, fat and carbs. Counting points was pretty easy for me, but logging my food was the real benefit of it for me. That helped me see what I was eating, and just how much it was impacting me. Spark also has a pretty big online community and is constantly running little challenges, so those resources may be helpful in motivating me and supporting my efforts. As for exercise, I made myself go back to the gym on Tuesday, and I went again yesterday, so I’m hoping to get back into a good routine there. My overall goal is to drop 50 pounds, and I’d like to do that by May, 2012.  I'll probably update periodically, but I promise this will be the only novel I write about it :)  I appreciate your reading this very, very long post.

Mayday Rant

I'll be back with an outfit post later this week but I just wasn't feeling it today (Monday). Of course you all know the big news that came last night.  I was in college in Ohio when 09/11 happened and I didn't know anyone who was involved, so I can't even begin to imagine how those who were there that day or those who lost someone that day felt upon learning that Osama bin Laden had been killed.  Like most Americans, my heart broke for everyone suffering as a result of 09/11, and I know that our country and our feeling of security hasn't been the same since.  I generally don't support war, but have accepted that the US has entered into 3 since 09/11 happened.  I don't support capital punishment, but I can understand the feeling of justice being served.  I'm glad that he was captured and that he no longer poses a threat to the US.  But bin Laden being killed doesn't put us back to where we were prior to 2001, it doesn't remove us from war, and it doesn't bring any of the victims back.  Air travel still frightens me as much now as it has over the past decade, and that probably won't change either.  I love my country and feel so lucky to live here and have as many opportunities as I do.  But all of that said, I don't understand the celebrations of bin Laden's death.  As a friend noted in her blog today, it felt like people were celebrating their team winning the Super Bowl.  And I hope I don't come off as ignorant about this.  I just can't recall any other time in my life where the collective opinion has been to rejoice and celebrate someone's demise (perhaps Saddam Hussein comes close).

A lot of you may have seen the viral Martin Luther King, Jr. quote on Twitter and Facebook.  Below is the full quotation from his speech:

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


I remember hearing this quote from the nuns who taught at my high school (which is, incidentally, where I developed all of my feelings against violence).  I try not to get too political on social networking sites (and even on this blog - woops), but I didn't see much harm in quoting Dr. King.  Unfortunately, I'm almost always wrong about this, and there's always some jackass from my hometown who is taking a break from commenting on Yahoo news stories to point out what a bleeding heart liberal I am.  Sure, I get that we don't agree on things like health care, guns, abortion or our President's citizenship.  But it's frustrating that someone can find fault in such a profound, insightful quote from a champion for peace.

This morning while getting ready for work, I was exhausted from the weekend and being up late to watch the news last night, and have been feeling a huge array of emotions about the events of the past couple of days.  So you'll forgive me if I didn't really care what I was wearing.

Mojo

Hello, Style Nation!  While Anne is off enjoying sunny California, I thought I'd break my self-imposed sabbatical.  I've had a crazy busy semester, but it's been productive and good.  I finally feel like I'm reaching something like balance, and towards the end of my third year as a professor and a New Yorker, I feel more confident about my abilities and about belonging.  Like other esteemed style colleagues, I am counting down the weeks until end of term, but we still have a while to go.  In fact, my 13 day spring break starts tonight at 7:40.  I have mountains of grading to do, but I am excited nonetheless. Please excuse my cranky face.  I think I've lost my outfit taking mojo. 
During my "sabbatical" as SFE called it, I spent a lot of time reading (for fun and for the career), writing, writing some more, and eating/cooking. I thought a lot about politics.  I read Your Money or Your Life, and then Blokey and I set up clear financial goals.  We donated some money to progressive causes/Japan.  I re-united with graduate school friends in Montreal and networked with strangers (and didn't die of embarrassment).  I made some good connections at another conference in Chicago.  I go swept up in barefoot-style/forefoot strike running (then screwed up my knees, and now my foot, but I am still dedicated).  I've now been on GAAD since mid July, and thrifted 4 times, a total of $80 (plus some shoes).  I sat around thinking on planes and trains.  It's been a good break.
I've been chatting with Anne about my future on this blog.  (I've had the fortune to visit Chicago twice and we'll go once more in the summer).  I think I will probably continue to blog, but my interest in my clothes has gone down.  I apologize for my sporadic commenting, but I do still read all of your blogs on my Google Reader.  I still like clothes and styles, and I still like looking at your blogs (so fun and so necessary to break up long teaching/writing days), but my participation in Style Nation will probably take a back seat to some of the other things on my plate.

Blazer: Esprit
Shirt: Macy's
Skirt: H&M
Tights: Target
Flats: Payless

Life Goes On

I had a post about the outfit I wore to a concert last night planned in my head, but I have bigger things on my mind right now, so talking about my outfit just seems silly. On Friday night, Fella and I went out separately. I went to dinner and bowling downtown with some girlfriends, and he went to watch the NCAA tournament at a bar with some of the guys. I was headed home from downtown at 11:30, and I waffled over meeting up with Fella and the guys. I ended up just going home because I was pretty tired, but told Fella to stay out if he wanted to. He called me at 2am to tell me he was walking home and that he loved me, and he’d see me soon. I fell back to sleep, and woke up about 45 minutes later to Jude barking and our doorbell ringing non-stop. I was wary of answering the door that late while home alone, but I did anyway, only to open the door on a crying Fella. He was missing his hat, and his jacket, a Christmas gift, was torn. He had blood on his forehead, the bridge of his nose and his lip, and dried blood in his beard. He looked so defeated when he told me he had been mugged. I pulled him inside, locked and deadbolted the door, and called the police. A report was filed, we cancelled all of his credit cards and spent all day Saturday rebuilding everything he had lost. It’s only been 24 hours, but Fella is doing better. We didn’t let what happened spoil our plans for this evening (aforementioned concert), because this senseless act had already taken enough. But despite that, I just can’t get the image of Fella at the door out of my head. In our nearly 4 years together, we’ve weathered a lot, but something about this is just so disturbing to me. I’ve seen him look sad, frustrated, defeated and vulnerable before. But seeing the person that I love the most look violated just broke my heart.

Over the years, I’ve discovered that I’m really great in a crisis. My first response last night was to make a list of all of the things we’d need to do and replace, and everyone we’d need to call. The mugger stole his wallet, phone and keys and sadly, the watch I bought him for his 30th birthday. Today we replaced the locks to all of the exterior doors on our building and had the car keys replaced and reprogrammed (rendering the stolen key useless). His phone has been deactivated, and all of his passwords have been changed. I made up a to-do list for him on Monday, so he would remember everything else that needs to be done. Once we accomplished everything on today’s list, it all finally hit me like a freight train. I imagined all of the horrible ways last night could’ve ended. Fella is fine, and only a little worse for the wear, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d do if it had been worse. It could’ve been so much worse. He was in awful shape last year because of a chronic illness, and even being put in charge of his health care decisions if he wasn’t able to make them and knowing all of the risks he faced then didn’t rattle me as much as this. I think it’s because I wasn’t there. I feel so guilty for not coming out last night. I know what happened isn’t my fault, but I could’ve prevented it. If I had been with him, maybe he wouldn’t have been such an easy target. I would have insisted we take a cab instead of walking. Or maybe I could have used all of my self-defense training to get us out of the situation unscathed. That’s probably unrealistic, but we’ll never know. Why did I let him walk home when he called me? I could have gone and picked him up. Except that he and I walk home late at night all the time. We live in a relatively safe area, and hang out in similarly safe parts of town. But of course, no place is 100% safe. And now we know.

When all was said and done, all the thief really got away with was about $10 in cash, $25 in charges before the credit cards were cancelled, Fella’s old scratched up phone that was due to be replaced, and a watch. I doubt the police will be able to find him, as Fella couldn’t remember much about what he looked like, but if they do, was it worth it?

I wrote this last night before I finally went to bed. I'm happy to report that Fella and I are feeling a little better this morning. The sun is shining, it’s a new day and life goes on. I’m off to my knitting class in a few minutes, and we have our regularly scheduled Sunday dinner date with Fella’s family tonight. And I’m sure, eventually, we’ll both feel better.

Budgets and Decluttering

Thank you all for your comments and opinions on my last post.  After giving it some more thought, I decided to return the skirt.  I put it in the mail this afternoon (so as to avoid more temptation while returning it at the store), so it's a done deal.  It's really cute, but I just don't know if I'd get a lot of wear out of it.  I think I'd like it more if it were black or white, or any other color that I wear pretty regularly.  Cynthia made the point of asking when/where I would wear it, and I can't really answer that.  I agree that it's too cutesy for work (a touch too short too), but I'm not sure where it'd be appropriate.  And as SFE and others mentioned, if I have to ask if I should return it, I should probably return it.

I may not have thought so much about it if I hadn't just made a list of all of things that I want to get for our new condo, and that stuff all really adds up!  Do I need another skirt, or do I want to get a nice set of curtains to cover our new windows?  Or a new rug?  Or a new bed set?  Lanterns for our new back porch?  Flowers to plant in our new yard?  You get the idea.  As much as I love clothes shopping, I think I need to take a serious break and save my money for bigger things.  Style Nation, can you help keep me in check on this?  Starting April 1st, I'm giving myself a monthly budget of $100 to spend on things like clothes, shoes, accessories, make-up, and even yarn (I've gotten hooked on knitting, and that stuff adds up!).  That probably still seems like a lot for someone who needs to save money, but compared to what I've spent in past months... it's not too bad.  There's not a lot that I really need right now, so hopefully it shouldn't be too hard.  I do need to replace my old, beat up Chaco Flips sandals before our trip to California next month, but I have a $50 gift card from Zappo's that I got with my credit card rewards points, so that won't eat up too much of the budget.

Today's post also made me start thinking about clothes that I don't love.  I have a lot that fits into this category, and it's starting to feel really cluttered.  We're planning to move the first weekend in June, so between now and then, I'm doing some serious evaluating of everything that's in my closets and in storage, and I'm going to start getting rid of things that don't get used.  I'll list all of this on eBay eventually, but first I thought I'd open it up to you.  Thus far I've just posted some clothes, but I'll be adding accessories and probably shoes at some point in time too.  Rebecca of MinnChic posted a link to a swapping blog today.  I think it's a really cool idea, and encourage you all to check it out, but swapping isn't for me right now since I don't want anything in return.


Click here or on "Anne's Closet" underneath our banner to see what I'm giving away. 

Friday Feminism

Happy Friday, all!  In response to Fashionable Academics CFP: What Does a Feminist Look Like, I had a great post all written out, but sadly my computer ate it.  I was mainly trying to say that I realize that I might not look like what some might think a feminist might or should look like, but really, since my ideas about feminism are that women can do anything, and certainly that they deserve the same opportunities that men do, it seems to reason that feminists don't necessarily look one way or another.  I can be pretty girly, and definitely embrace it at times, and I'm a feminist.


My feminism is deeply rooted in my own upbringing.  My mom directly and indirectly taught me lessons in independence, and always made sure I stood up for myself.  And my dad, although coming from a patriarchal upbringing and somewhat sexist while I was growing up (having a stubborn and outspoken daughter helped break him of that), encouraged me in things like math, science, sports and home/car repair and maintenance.  Whether they knew it or not, my parents raised me to be a feminist.  And thanks to their influence, I continue to fight for equality with my male peers and counterparts, challenge societal norms and gender roles, and believe that I can accomplish anything.


Cardigan: Gap Outlet
Tee: Loft
Jeans: Gap
Scarf: Target
Shoes: Clarks Indigo, gifted
Watch: Fossil, gifted
Earrings: Handmade by a family friend

January Blues and Closet Cleaning

Yay, it's Friday!  And January's almost over!  I'm once again sporting some blue (the color of the month), but unlike other January blues I've worn, this one is bright and pastel.  So that makes black and blue a little less blah, right?  And although I have a seemingly endless amount of cardigan sweaters that would go with this top, I instead went with a nice open, drapey cardigan, since I like the style so much when Cynthia wears it.  This is Gap Body, so I don't know, maybe I'm supposed to wear this at yoga or something?  But it's soft knit and super cozy, and has nice detailing that makes it look work appropriate, as well as lounge-appropriate.  See?


I had some free time after work yesterday, so I finally started the daunting task of cleaning out my closet.  It's been feeling really cluttered lately, which kind of stresses me out.  I was returning an ill-fitting dress at the mall on Wednesday night, and the clerk and I were wondering why we buy things that we won't wear.  I bought a dress around New Year's, but once I got it home I wasn't sure I liked it.  I waffled for a while, but finally returned it. The clerk told me she does this all the time, but has a rule that if something sits in her closet for a month, she isn't going to wear it, so it gets returned.  I wish I had that kind of rules, but instead, things sit in my closet for a while (years in a lot of cases), only to get worn a couple of times. An interview with Lisa from Archives reminded me of this.  She says "Now that I see how much money I've wasted at fast fashion stores on items worn somewhere between 1-5 times, I definitely regret my reckless spending. If I could go back in time, I wish I had been saving all that money. " 


I've also been reading Shakespeare's Feminine Ending's posts about paring down over at Fashionable Academics.  Today she said she is getting rid of things that are not worn, not liked, or don't fit.  And when I looked in my closet, I had a lot that fits into each of those categories.  In fact, I have at least 2 big boxes full of things that don't fit in my basement.  I guess I've been saving them in hopes that I'll be a size 10 again someday, but even if I am, will I want to dress like it's 2004 again?  Has it been worth it to move these clothes to all 6 of my Chicago apartments in that time?  Hmm.  Having things that don't fit kind of makes sense.  Even having things that aren't worn kind of makes sense, since my cluttered closet has prevented me from seeing things that I'd otherwise wear.  But what about things that I don't like?  Why would I even have such things?  I think some of it is my tastes changing, but in a lot of cases, it was things that I liked, but didn't like on me.  So needless to say, I pulled 2 bags of clothes out of my closet that I'll be donating, and a few things that I might try to sell before donating.

Seeing all of these clothes that I'm getting rid of because I won't wear them again has helped me identify exactly what I had been wasting my money on.  I used to shop a lot, just for the sake of shopping, and I'd buy things that didn't look good or didn't fit right, and just stop wearing them.  I have more than enough clothes, so I think that at this point, I should only be buying things if I really need them, if they're flattering, and if they're so versatile that I can get a lot of wear out of them.

Wow, that's a lot for a Friday post!  Have any of you taken on similar efforts to de-clutter?

Cardigan: Gap Outlet
Tee and Necklace: New York & Company
Jeans: Gap
Shoes: Loft

Being Womanly?

Happy Saturday! I hadn't planned on doing a lot of weekend posts now that I'm not participating in some sort of challenge, but I'll be honest, I have some time to kill today. I'm currently having my piano tuned (well, my Grandpa's early 1970's-era Baldwin, which currently resides with me).  And if you've ever witnessed a piano tuning, you might know that it's a couple of the most boring hours ever. But I can't leave.  And Fella took Jude to the groomers to get him out of the house, since he thinks everyone who comes to our apartment wants to play with him.  He would, no doubt, be jealous of all the attention the piano is receiving.  Thus far this morning, I've had some virtual coffee with La Historiadora de Moda and Style Underdog, completed my taxes (yeah, I'm a nerd about doing that early), found a good blondies recipe to make for tomorrow's football party, and bought tickets for Fella and I to see Arcade Fire and the National in April.  Pretty productive for a Saturday morning!

Yesterday I received a compliment from one of my co-workers that's been stuck in my head. I wasn't even dressed all that nicely, but she said to me "Some days I look at you, and I think to myself 'Someday I hope I'm a real woman too.'"  She went on to say that it's because I'm always so put together, and because of all the cute accessories I wear. I find this comment so interesting on a few levels.  It's interesting that she ties my style and accessorizing with being womanly.  And it's interesting to me from an age standpoint too.  I started at my company when I was 23, and most of the women I work with are at least 10 years older than me (many old enough to be my mom), so I never considered that they perceive me as being anything but a kid.

So all of this made me think: what does it mean to be a real woman womanly*?  I think it's definitely subjective and different for all of us.  For me, I think a lot of it is tied to the way I present myself, but I also feel like it's related to my friendships with other women. Last night, I had a great girls night, and interacting with my girlfriends definitely makes me feel womanly.  And hanging out with all of the women in my family at a bridal shower last weekend felt pretty womanly too.

So, what does it mean to you to be a real woman womanly?
*Edited to add: Charlotte brings up a good point in the comments about the qualifier of "real" in this whole post. I guess I didn't see the original remark to be that way, but I think Charlotte has some good thoughts about it. I'm not implying that any woman isn't "real" and I hope my co-worker wasn't either. I truly think the original intent was to say that my co-worker feels that I'm "womanly," rather than "real" versus "not real," "unreal" or "false." I apologize if this offends.


Cardigan, Pants and shoes: Loft
Tee: Target

I Have Confidence in Me

No Repeats, Day 21

Did you all read Allison's post about blogging and body image the other day?  If not, definitely check it out.  She's hit on what I think a lot of us may have discovered through our blogs.  Her closing paragraph sums it up nicely.

"In terms of body image, starting this blog was the best thing that I could have done for myself. Blogging is not just about the clothes.  It’s about creativity, connection, and community. It’s also about acceptance and celebration. And somewhere along the way, I figured out how to love myself just a little bit more.

Allison mentions community as a result of blogging, and on that note, I want to thank you all for the kind words and suggestions on yesterday's post.  I'll admit, I do usually get a little blue in the winter and it's really helped to hear that I'm not alone in that.  Probably because our winters never, ever end.  But I'm okay with it right now, and I plan to fight it this year.  I've got a pretty steady gym routine in place, so the endorphins will help keep my spirits up.  And unlike past winters, I'm going to try not to be a total shut-in this year.  If nothing else, if I don't leave the house, I don't really have a reason to wear nice clothes, which is no fun.

And while we're on the subject of confidence, today's outfit was carefully chosen as I'll be co-leading a training class at work this afternoon.  I can't possibly stress how much I dislike public speaking, although work making me do presentations like this periodically has helped me to be not too terrible at it.  I don't know how you academics do this everyday though!  Anyway, I wanted something that would be comfortable (skirts always are for me), but professionalish, and just something I'd feel good in.  And I pretty much always feel good in skirts.  I don't know how many people will be attending, but many will be my peers that I've worked with only via phone and email before, so it'll be interesting to put faces with names.

Does how you dress instill confidence?  If so, what are your never-fail items?

Sweater: New York & Company (recent)
Skirt: New York & Company (2004 - bought for $5 on clearance!)
Shoes: Indigo by Clark
Brooch: Etsy
Earrings: Limited